Schyler Mason

Sleep without tears

Another day, another baby who, very reasonably, just wants snuggles and closeness for every nap, and all night long.  Babies just aren't born knowing how to fall asleep.  They can sleep of course, but falling asleep is another matter.  Here's a step by step to help your baby get to peaceful, independent sleep.

1) For safe sleep practices, we're putting the baby in a bassinet or crib, in the bedroom where you sleep if possible.  Baby needs to be on their back.  The room temp should be about 68-72 degrees.  There should be nothing in the crib except baby, and pacifier if using.  You can swaddle babies until they can roll over on their own, or use a sleep sack after they can roll.

Baby might be helped with a pacifier, but if they don't need it, or if you can use it only for calming, that's ideal as there's no way to keep that paci in their mouth while they're asleep - it pops right out when baby starts to relax and baby pops right awake!  

2) Getting ready for sleep.  For all sleep sessions, following a simple routine will help the baby know it's nearly time to sleep.  I recommend feeding, getting a good burp, a short book (a little Goodnight Moon anyone?) and then a diaper change and into the swaddle or sleep sack.  Then a rocking or bouncing session with your favorite lullaby or hum, or even a recording is fine as well.

3) As baby is getting droopy eyed, and their body is nice and relaxed, lay them down by putting their feet down on the bed, and then laying them back until flat on the bed.  Going from your warm hug to a cold bed is often challenging for baby to stay calm through, so go slowly, and stay as calm as you can as well.  

4) Hopefully baby will stay calm, and drowsy as you do this.  If they do, slowly back away and leave the room.  Having a video monitor to watch them can be very helpful as it will help you know if your baby is wide awake and calm, or actually asleep - this helps with awake cycle times.  

5) If baby starts to stir, wait.  Don't rush to the rescue!  They need an opportunity just like you do, to settle into bed and get comfortable.  

6) If baby starts to cry, or gets very alert, step in.  Do the minimum you can to help baby settle.  

A) A shushing sound (lots of babies love white noise machines!)  Then if that isn't    helping ,  add in

B) A hand on their chest.  If that's not enough, try

C) Patting them on the chest or bum.  A rhythmic heartbeat pat is very nice.  If that's not working go ahead, and 

D) Try their pacifier, if they're using one.  IF still getting more upset, or crying, 

  E) Pick up baby.  Go back to step 3 above and start fresh.  

And... Repeat.  I know it's tedious, frustrating possibly and feels like all you do all day is try to help this baby fall asleep!  The first nap of the morning and going to sleep at night are usually the best times to practice this, if you feel like you can only do one nap a day with this style at first, do the first morning nap.  

What is the goal?  A baby who knows sleep is coming and doesn't get agitated about it.  A baby who stays calm in bed because it's a peaceful place to be.  A baby who trusts that someone is there to help them if they need it.   And ultimately, a baby who learns to fall asleep peacefully and alone, and who knows what to do when they wake up and are still tired.  

I wish you patience and perseverance, and sweet dreams.

Help, my baby only takes 45 minute naps!

A client of mine recently e-mailed to ask about her 4 month old only taking 45 minute naps. This is so common! Read on...

Hi Schyler!

Any tips to help prolong a nap?? Grace is great about going to sleep on her own in her crib but wakes up (almost on the dot) right at 45 min and sometimes earlier. I've just been trying to have lots of naps b/c she sleeps so short but think it would be better for her to have some chunks. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions? Thank you!!

Grace's Mom

Hi Grace's Mom,

This is such a common challenge!  Napping only 45 minute naps is so frustrating - It’s possible you’ve spend the same 45 minutes just getting her down to sleep, only for her to wake again so soon!  I have a few things to make sure you’re doing every day.  

1. Have a good routine during the day - try to wake Grace up within the same half hour in the morning, let’s say 7-7:30 (wouldn’t that be civilized?  LOL!)  Try for the same bedtime every night as well.  A consistent schedule might be all she needs to get an easier sleep experience.  Let's make sure her wake windows are good, and consider a little schedule to support her needs.

2. Every day get out of the house and into natural daylight.  This is so important!  Natural light is a huge part of controlling our circadian rhythm.  Even if it’s just a little, or you just play in a bright window for a while (afternoon is especially important, so a walk before or after dinner, or after the last nap of the day might be good) that natural light will boost the hormone serotonin, which is a precursor to melatonin (the sleep hormone that helps us feel sleepy, fall asleep and stay asleep)

3. Floor time!  Babies really need time to just be on the floor and move and play.  This baby play and calisthenics time can really improve her development, independence and strength, and hopefully get her nice and worn out for sleep time.  

4. Give undivided one on one time just the two of you (and Grace and Dad).  Put your phone down, and really focus on her intently and play, read, massage…  Whatever is right in the moment.  This helps your attachment with Grace and can help her feel safer, and calmer.  Have this time go from after dinner and into bedtime. Have a bedtime routine that’s the same every night.  it  can be short and sweet!  Think of it as a diaper change, book, song, cuddle and then swaddle if she still is, and lay her down when drowsy but still awake.  Soothe her as necessary, but try your best to have her fall asleep where she’ll be waking up or stirring - her brain will be calmer and she’ll be more likely to go into another sleep cycle.  

Another thought - just because she wakes up doesn't mean she's ready to get out of bed! It's time to be a little more stubborn, and have her continue her nap if she still seems tired when she wakes up. Calm her down, and tell her with words that it's still sleep time, and that she needs to finish her nap. That 45 min wake up is the end of one sleep cycle - predictable as a clock. But with practice, she'll realize that she's not off the hook for napping if she isn't rewarded each time with getting out of bed. 

The best case is if she's getting a good 1.5 hour or longer nap each time. A 45 min "cat nap" here and there is fine, but for the most part those little naps don't allow her to get enough rest, or her brain to have enough time to assimilate new information! Try getting her down for a nap before she appears tired, and if you're not sure of how she's scheduling naps these days, track it for a while. You'll find that her best naps will be taken if she has only been awake 1-2 hours between sleeps. Good luck,

Schyler

Helping baby sleep through the night

I talk to every single one of my families about sleep. Sleep is so important, and I have known only one family that wished their baby would sleep less. One of the first things I share is a study I heard about years ago. They took a number of healthy, happy, normal college age folk, who slept regularly. For one month they woke them up only once, to fully awake, and then let them go back to sleep. Those previously healthy, happy, normal kids were all clinically depressed at the end of the month.

Not good news, is it? So why do I tell that story? It's to stress the importance of sleep, and to hopefully help parents to see why teaching their infant to sleep well from the beginning can be a lifelong gift!

A lot of parents think their infants can sleep through the night. Most can't. They biologically are not able to. A few are, and no, we don't know why the few that can, do. Under 8 months, most infants require night time nutrition. They need to eat. After 8 months, unless there is an exacerbating factor medically or with their digestion, they do not need to eat in the night. They should be able to go a good 12 hours sleeping without a meal.

If your baby is under 8 months old and not sleeping through the night, you can help them, but expecting them to be able to do it just isn't reasonable.

The infant's sleep cycle is one of the reasons your baby wakes up. The other is that they may not know how to fall asleep on their own on a regular basis. When our babies are infants, it's the sweetest thing to nurse them to sleep, let them sleep on our chest, or in our arms. We love to rock them, swing them, sing to them. There comes a time, say, at 15 pounds and 3 months or so of age, though, that we start thinking we'd like them to fall asleep on their own. In their beds. And sleep. For a long, long time.

Why is baby's sleep cycle and their ability to fall asleep on their own connected? Every 45 minutes, a baby's sleep cycle goes through one nice big arc on the graph, picture a mountain with a soft peak and two valleys on either side, starting and ending at zero. At the top of the peak, baby is sleeping tight, and can barely be woken. At the valleys, baby is in a very alert state which is built in, for survival. If something is different than how baby fell asleep, then they'll wake up more, maybe all the way up, then if nothing is different, where they'll see nothing is new, and will be more likely to sleep through to another sleep cycle.

For ultimate happiness in babies, naps should last at least 1.5 hours, and sleeps at night should be in 4 hour or more chunks of time.

To get these chunks of sleep, the first thing is to help baby fall asleep on their own. This is most easily done if you start at 4-6 weeks of age. Simply lay baby down sleepy, but not asleep. This means not breastfeeding or letting baby fall asleep on the bottle. I know you might be reeling from me saying "simply", but it is. If baby falls asleep eating, then burping should wake them enough to be slightly awake when they get laid down.

If baby is in bed and starts to wind up instead of down, then calming baby with as little energy as possible (a hand on the chest, some shhh sounds) until baby is calm again will help baby learn they can do it! Only pick baby up if she has actually escalated into a cry. The older the child, use less and less eye contact so you're not "feeding" the energy of wakefulness or agitation.

Baby's sleep cycles, once she is getting herself to sleep by herself, should start to lengthen. Be aware though, that we are constantly training our children. What are you training them? If they wake in the night, are you giving them lots and lots of attention? Or are you giving them a chance to calm down on their own, and then going back to simple calming and having them stay in bed unless necessary? You can teach baby this wonderful skill by supporting them in learning this way!

*Note on the Furber method of letting baby cry in increasingly longer intervals: It doesn't work on infants. Even Dr Furber has said this. It occasionally works on older children who are 1) verbal 2) using not sleeping/crying as a manipulation 3) over 2 years old at least. If those conditions are in place, and you want to try the Furber method, be cautious. Power struggles can often occur with this method, as can the increase in manipulations by child in other areas of their lives. Also, keeping your own calm during the process is difficult, yet imperative.

*Note on food and sleep. Yes, to a point, children need a full tummy to sleep. After that 8 months, we expect baby to have a nice dinner, then maybe a snack, and then sleep. Before, baby needs food, yes. But if under 6 months please don't add cereal to the bottle unless recommended for medical (reflux) purposes by your pediatrician. Adding food to bottles and doing solids close to bed time usually causes causes more problems than it cures.

Sweet dreams...

How do I find childcare in  Seattle?

Childcare is something every family utilizes at some point, and for many full time care will be needed.  But what is the best fit for your family? 

A postpartum doula is often the first person outside of family your infant may be left with, and for the peace of mind they offer with expert infant care and experience that's a great place to start.  Postpartum doulas also provide care for the family beyond just baby care, visit www.adoulaaday.com for details on what a doula can offer your family.  

Some doulas offer overnight care, and some work only during the day. Doulas in Seattle charge anywhere from a sliding scale for low income families to premium care at $75/hr. Beyond the benefit of expertise, hiring a doula is an easy process, as they are independent and manage their own taxes. Any other in-home childcare will be a household employee by law.  

A baby nurse or Newborn Care Specialist (NCS) is someone specially trained to provide expert infant care for baby only.  They may work nights or days depending on their preference. An NCS will be a household employee.  Their rates vary between $40-$60/hr. 

Keep in mind that as a household employer you will also be responsible for federal taxes, social security benefits, sick leave as well as other industry standard benefits like vacation, healthcare stipends and more.

A nanny/household manager is going to provide care for your children primarily, doing everything a nanny does (see below) but will also do other tasks as agreed upon by nanny and family to care for the home. Often people who don't need full time care for their children will fill in hours with household management tasks.  This may entail errands, meal prep, light housekeeping, and scheduling appointments and being available for work to be done by others at the home.  A household manager's rates start at $35/hr.  They are a household employee. 

A  nanny cares for children, provide meals, plans experiences like daytime activities, playdates and fun at home.  They care for the children and clean for child based things only.  Beyond childcare any other tasks would put a nanny into a household manager role.  Nanny rates in Seattle range from $25-45/hr.  They are a household employee.  

A mother's helper is typically a less experienced or younger person looking to gain experience with caregiving.  They play with and help with the children but rarely would be without another person in the home.  They might walk the children to a nearby playground, but wouldn't usually drive, or plan activities.  They may earn as little as the current minimum wage.  

I hope this information provides you with a good place to start your search for in home care for your family.  A great relationship with your childcare person can be a lifelong one, and hopefully creates an extended family member after the employee/employer contract is done. 

Resources for finding your match:

https://aniseattle.com/ is a local agency I have personally worked with for decades and had very positive experiences with.  They provide exceptional service and do all the background checks and reference checking, as well as ongoing support. 

Seattle Nanny Parent Village is a free group on Facebook to DIY your caregiver search.  

Spreading the word on social media and in your social circle may also result in finding your perfect match.